Noodle Incident
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: A certain incident in which Sasuke gets drunk, Naruto gets laid, and Konohamaru gets inspiration for a brand new sexy jutsu, all while Hinata silently disapproves. [crack, yaoi-ish, smut]


**Noodle Incident**

A _Naruto_ crackshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

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><p>Rating: M<p>

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke, Naruto, Hinata, Konohamaru; [situational SasuNaru, with canon-compliant NaruHina, and mentioned SasuSaku, Konohamaru x One Night Stand]

Summary: A certain incident in which Sasuke gets drunk, Naruto gets laid, and Konohamaru gets inspiration for a brand new sexy jutsu, all while Hinata silently disapproves. [crack, yaoi-ish, smut]

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><p><strong>WARNING: This fanfic depicts activities of an adult nature between characters who would be minors in the real world. The author of this fic does not endorse such things being done by minors in real life, and in fact strongly discourages minors from reading this, and also from participating in any and all such activities until they are at the age of majorityconsent as defined in the laws or customs of their state or principality.**

(_the noodle incident referred to in Postage Due 2: Raikiri Boogaloo_)

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><p>Konohamaru Sarutobi was many things. An elite jounin, grandson of the Third Hokage, disciple and self-proclaimed "little brother" of Naruto Uzumaki. But he was also, most importantly, a <em>pervert<em>.

A progressive, forward thinking, equality-minded pervert, perhaps, but a **pervert** all the same.

There was a reason that Konohamaru was known in some circles as the _Nosebleed Ninja_.

He had, after all, taken the sexy jutsu created by his mentor and expanded on it in ways that even Naruto had to admit were far beyond the scope of the technique's original conception. Instead of just thinking of ways to make the jutsu more effective against heterosexual males, one of Konohamaru's critical innovations had been to look for a way to use it against people who WEREN'T attracted to women.

In theory, it was very easy to just transform into a naked guy and call that a reverse sexy jutsu. But Konohamaru had not been satisfied with that. Part of mastering the original sexy jutsu had lay in _penetrating_ the various aspects of what people found sexually attractive, determing what "types" were most appealing to different people, and incorporating this knowledge into his transformations.

If he wanted to make an effective reverse sexy jutsu, he would have to figure out what it was that turned on people who were attracted to men.

And so Konohamaru had buried himself in research, doing his best to get inside the minds of women, homosexuals, bisexuals, et al and determine the key aspects of male sex appeal. If he wanted the jutsu to be effective, he couldn't just rely on a _heterosexual male's_ idea of what made men attractive. He had to think of it from the perspective of people who were actually into dudes.

Of course, in his studies Konohamaru had eventually come to a certain academic appreciation for male attractiveness himself. He could see what others saw as _sexy_ in a man, and he could appreciate it for himself.

Not that he was necessarily _interested_ in guys, mind you – no matter how much appreciation he came to develop for _certain genres_ of literature, Konohamaru's first and foremost interests would always be in **tits**, and the lovely ladies to which they were attached. He had no desire to sleep with men himself.

No matter what intellectual appreciation he might acquire for BL or the male body, Konohamaru was still chemically heterosexual. If he was gonna hit on, or wanna fuck _anyone_, it was gonna be cute girl, or a sexy woman.

Which was why he didn't notice it, at first, when Sasuke got drunk at that diplomatic function in the Hidden Grass. His eyes had been locked rather firmly on the nice, round bum and modest, perky breasts of a rather pretty Kusa kunoichi. The only thing he'd been paying attention to were the bedroom eyes she was giving him, all the flirtatious winks and giggles, and all the little, subtle cues that she was _totally willing_ to get it on with him.

Sure, he was _ostensibly_ there as a bodyguard for the hokage-in-training and his wife, but Konohamaru was just an excellent shinobi by the standards of normal humans.

Compared to a couple of monsters like Naruto and Sasuke – hell, to a lesser extent even _Hinata_ – he would be just the north side of useless in a fight. Obviously the only REAL reason he'd been sent along was to give the bathing beauties of Konoha a few days of actual privacy.

(The day he'd learned his grandfather's crystal ball scrying technique was a day that every cute, single woman in the Leaf subconsciously rued)

So Konohamaru had been flirting with this grass kunoichi, bragging about his various feats as a shinobi, with relatively little exaggeration needed to make himself sound sufficiently impressive, letting her know through his own subtle cues that he was both available and _interested_.

"...so there I was, facing this rinnegan-bearing S-class ninja at the age of thirteen, powering up an A-rank jutsu to take him out..."

The Grass kunoichi – and Konohamaru idly wondered whether he should ask for her name – giggled and batted her eyelashes at him, not-so-discreetly pressing some _damn_ nice knockers into his side as she hung onto his arm and every word alike.

"Mm... weren't you afraid, handsome?" she asked with a coy wink.

Konohamaru let out a boisterous laugh, consciously pitching his voice a few shades deeper to make himself sound more conspiculously masculine.

"Ha ha ha! Who, me?" he said, gesturing theatrically. "Of course not! No, this guy may have been tough, but I had the guts to stare him down without flinching. I knew this guy was nothing compared to my big bro, and if I ever wanted to be a truly great shinobi... I knew that I couldn't let myself be scared off by some small fry like that!"

"Teehee!" the kunoichi giggled, batting her eyelashes in an exaggeratedly suggestive manner. "My, how _manly_ of you~" she cooed.

Konohamaru smiled at her, and waved dismissively. He knew her part in this was about as much an act as his – each of them was emphasizing those traits they believed the other would find appealing, not so much _lying to get in each other's pants_ as they were simply upholding a long and proud tradition of courtship.

Or at least that's how they would justify it, if asked.

But honestly, Konohamaru was already at half mast, and he could some very compelling signs of arousal on the kunoichi's part as well. They were randy and all but ready to jump each other's bones. It wasn't particularly _romantic_, perhaps, but soft embraces and sweet nothings weren't what they were looking for tonight.

In all honesty, Konohamaru was no good with politics. He'd been bored out of his gourd by all the negotiations earlier that day, and the only thing he wanted to do now was unwind and blow off some frustration. If that happened to involve getting blown, and going down on a cute woman like this, then he was _perfectly okay_ with that.

He wasn't feeling any particular need to uphold his political credibility at this little soiree. With the days of peace following the Fourth Great Ninja War, and with what he had learned of the Hokage's duties in this strange new era from following Naruto-niichan around, the Lord Third's grandson had ultimately come to the conclusion that he didn't **really** want to become hokage anymore.

Not as strongly as he used to.

He had proven himself in his own way already, following the end of the war, earning a name for himself as he rose through the ranks, helping to quell certain _less than amicable _elements among the shinobi nations. Particularly in dealing with the threat that had been posed by a sharp upswing in Jashinist recruitment and activity a few years after the war, Konohamaru had proven his worth and gained the acknowledgement of the village.

No longer respected just for being the Third Hokage's grandson, Konohamaru Sarutobi had established himself in the eyes of the Leaf as an upstanding, _excellent_ shinobi.

So he no longer really felt the need to become hokage one day. He could serve the village well enough as a jounin, and furthermore had even less interest in boring political maneuvering than _Naruto_ did.

And at least the prospective Lord Seventh (although Kakashi had not yet _officially_ named the blond as his successor, the whole damn village KNEW that it was just a matter of time) had a knack for talking through problems with people, solving things with words as easily as with his fists. Naruto didn't have the pragmatic cunning of most politicians, but he did have something even more valuable.

Integrity, charisma, and _connections_.

Some people may have considered his dreams exceedingly idealistic, but nobody could deny that he had done a _smashing_ job of helping to keep the Shinobi Alliance intact. Whenever an incident had occurred and it looked like things were about to boil over, he'd been there to tell everyone to take a deep breath and explain the problem. He could get people to stop, think, and try and figure out a way to solve their disputes _peacefully_.

Despite having something of a reputation for being a total idiot whose only redeeming qualities were his monstrous strength and skill in a fight, Naruto was actually a very good diplomat. He thought in a global context (albeit in his own simplified way), readily negotiating fair and equal concessions between the Great and Lesser Nations alike. He did not care about having political power for himself, and would readily sacrifice any number of favors, and any amount of his credibility, to accomplish his dreams of peace.

And in a way, this gave him something immeasurably more valuable at the bargaining table. Naruto had proven time and again that he was earnest and magnanimous, earning himself countless allies in both the lowest and highest of places. He would not compromise the lives or well-being of his comrades for his own personal gain, and it was clear through his actions that he considered ALL shinobi his comrades. He favored the Hidden Leaf no more than he did any other village or nation – refused to treat unfairly with _anyone_, even former enemies.

He worked in such a pure and earnest way that anyone with the slightest lingering shred of idealism in their heart would find themselves compelled to work along with him. He was a charismatic leader who had proven himself entirely capable time and time again of getting through to even the hardest and most cynical of souls.

Konohamaru knew, as did practically everyone else on the continent, that Naruto was going to be the next hokage. It was only a matter of time. And, honestly speaking, a guy like Naruto, who in some circles had come to be known as _shinobi no kami_ (the same epithet as both Konohamaru's grandfather and the honorable Shodai Hokage-sama), would be a hell of an act to try and follow.

So Konohamaru Sarutobi was perfectly content to let some _other_ poor sucker try and succeed Naruto-niichan. He had no ambitions to try and surpass **that** particular shadow.

And, in all honesty, the only thing on Konohamaru's mind as he led that cute, sexy Kusa kunoichi back to his room in the embassy was what kind of foreplay his "guest" would like best.

The party was starting to wind down, anyway. Naruto and his wife would probably be heading back to their own room in ten or twenty minutes.

Sasuke wasn't even a concern.

The Uchiha could take perfectly good care of himself.

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><p>The party was winding down.<p>

Sasuke Uchiha felt rather pleasantly tingly as he downed his third sip of wine. Although he had been of age for the last couple years, the last Uchiha had never really bothered to drink before now.

It was... an experience, to say the least.

Academically, Sasuke knew from both Karin, and his wife Sakura that one did not get drunk as soon as one started to drink. It took time for alcohol to actually get into your bloodstream and start circulating through your body. It could take a half hour or more for the physiological effects of alcolhol consumption to actually manifest.

Logically, Sasuke could deduce that the sensations he was feeling now weren't really a product of the alcohol. The buzz he was feeling at the moment was more memetic than anything, the power of suggestion tricking a part of his brain into thinking he was already getting drunk. What he felt now was what he _expected_ intoxication to feel like.

Not necessarily what it TRULY felt like.

Intellectually, Sasuke realized that since he couldn't _possibly_ be drunk yet, he most _certainly_ shouldn't be feeling this pleasantly giddy. He knew that what he felt at the moment was purely mental, just his brain playing tricks on itself. Yet he still couldn't stop him from wanting to act on certain preposterous, _illogical_ impulses that had begun popping into his head.

"Have I ever told you, Naruto... how much I _love_ you, man?" Sasuke slurred, leaning against the blond.

He felt the warmth of his friend's body, and could not help but notice a rather pleasantly heady fragrance. It was earthy and airy in different parts, light and heavy at varied ratios. A comforting, enticing smell which drew him and made him want to smell more.

Naruto smiled at him a touch crookedly, letting out a soft croak of laughter.

"Out loud?" the blond said, patting him on the shoulder.

Sasuke's face burned at the contact. His stomach twisted in a curiously pleasant way that he knew had very little to do with the snifter of wine in his belly.

Dimly, the Uchiha felt himself leaning against Naruto. They were at the edge of the party, most of the other important guests having already taken their chance to talk with the Hidden Leaf's representatives. He heard a soft bubble of demure laughter from Naruto's wife, five or so feet off to their right.

Looking in that direction, Sasuke saw that Hinata was currently engaged in conversation with one of Kusagakure's top kunoichi. The former Hyuuga heiress looked to be having a pleasant time talking with the other woman.

Naruto grinned, noticing the direction of Sasuke's gaze.

"Hinata's real good at these sorts of gatherings," he commented. "Better than I would have expected back when we first started dating."

Sasuke nodded dimly, hearing Naruto's voice but not really parsing the words. His mind was rather inordinately focused on the firmness of his rival's form, a solid yet subtle musculature which the blond had built over a decade and change of shinobi training.

The buzz of his voice in the Uchiha's ears was almost as intoxicating as the alcohol.

The smell of Naruto's body was unusually pleasing to his senses.

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><p>"S...Sasuke...?" Naruto groaned, gasping and staring in disbelief as the proud, heretofore borderline asexual Uchiha pawed drunkenly at his zipper, looking up at him with eyes half-glazed over and yet intensely focused on him.<p>

"Naruto..." Sasuke groaned, leaning awkwardly forward. "Please... _kiss me_."

Lips mashed clumsily against Naruto's cheek, and the blond could not help the slightest twinge of surprised stiffening down south. He felt Sasuke's tongue inch out of the Uchiha's mouth, a soft and moist tip blindly tracing itself over his whisker birthmarks.

"K-_Kiss_ you...?!" Naruto gaped, his jaw going slack. "Sasuke, do you even know what you're doing right now?"

He could not believe that his friend would already be _this drunk_ before even finishing his first glass of wine. And while he would not deny that there was a certain pleasurable spark that zipped up his spine at the way Sasuke was touching him now, Naruto was frankly flabbergasted.

Sasuke pulled his lips back, looking into Naruto's eyes. His onyx pools, usually dark and impenetrable, seemed to glisten with a kind of _need_ that the blond had only ever recognized one other person as having directed at him. Sasuke's body pressed tightly against Naruto's, the Uchiha awkwardly fondling the slowly growing bulge in his friend's trousers.

Naruto shuddered, unable to deny the pleasurable feedback he was getting from his rival's fingers.

"I know," Sasuke whispered, staring intently – almost _longingly_ – at Naruto. His cheeks were flushed, and glancing absentmindedly below the belt, one could have seen the Uchiha pitching a similarly sizable tent to Naruto's. "That's... that's why I **want **you to do it."

A moan escaped the raven-haired swordsman's lips. He was breathing heavily, panting, his breath coming out hot and smelling of liquor.

Naruto felt as much as he heard his zipper coming undone. Sasuke got a hold of the tab and yanked it clumsily down, opening the blond's fly. His hand groped for the band of Naruto's boxers, even as trousers fell uselessly down around the Uzumaki's ankles.

"I need you to kiss me, Naruto..." Sasuke continued, his fingers tracing this way and that over the bulge in his boxers, searching for an opening, a gap through which to plunge. "I need... need to know... if it will still feel as good."

Sasuke groaned, blushing a shade deeper, and his fingertips mounted the rim of Naruto's elastic waistband. The Uchiha's hand slipped down the front of his friend's boxers, fingers coming to curl around the pulsing, semi-erect shaft of the blond's manhood.

"I... want to know," Sasuke whispered heatedly, his lips slowly closing what little distance lingered between them. "If what I felt back then... was really just a fluke."

And with his one hand curled around Naruto's phallus, Sasuke drunkenly mashed their lips together. He shivered, and his tongue probed Naruto's lower lip with a comparatively greater certainty than most of his prior movements. He beggared entrance inside, and Naruto dumbly permitted his passage, still in shock and unable to completely process what was happening.

Naruto tasted Sasuke's tongue as much as felt it. The flavor was not the same as Hinata's... his wife was sweeter tasting, with a slightest hint of spice... more cinnamony than anything. Sasuke's flavor was heavier, meatier and more... _savory_, mingling with what little of the food he had eaten at the party.

For a few moments Naruto numbly allowed Sasuke to explore the confines of his mouth unopposed, frozen stiff and wracked with guilty pleasure as the Uchiha moved a tight grip up and down on his dick. It was rough and almost a little painful for the lack of lubrication, but that just made him harder.

Sasuke's touch was nothing like Hinata's.

Where his wife was soft and gentle, slow and tender in her ministrations, like she was handling something delicate and precious, Sasuke was hard and greedy, coarse and fast. The callouses on his fingers were thick and hard, rough and abrasive against the velvety skin of the blond's rod.

It felt shamefully good. Sasuke brusquely jerked Naruto off as they kissed, unafraid of hurting the hardy blond. He probed the depths of Naruto's mouth, the Uchiha's tongue drunkenly tracing the contours of his rival's palate.

Naruto groaned into the kiss, and his own tongue stirred. Arms rose from his sides, and he leaned forward.

Arousal ruled his judgements right now. Whatever he may have thought of Sasuke before, at the moment all Naruto could think about was how _good_ it felt as the bastard kissed and stroked him.

"Mmf... Shasuke..." Naruto slurred, aggressively pushing forward into the kiss. His tongue danced with Sasuke's, curling together and around it, tasting and undulating in all of the lewdest ways imaginable.

Hands came up, and deft fingers danced across Sasuke's clothes. The speed and precision of the strongest man alive undid every clasp and tie, dropping the Uchiha's trousers and pushing up his shirt.

Naruto yanked down Sasuke's boxers with one hand, firmly grasping a long and pulsing phallus. His other hand traced the contours of Sasuke's abdominal muscles, fingers scurrying up to caress the Uchiha's pecs. He felt sweat beneath his palms, the moist heat of his rival's body.

He pinched one of Sasuke's nipples, plunging his tongue deep into the swordsman's mouth. Sasuke gasped into the kiss, groaning weakly and bucking his hips. Fingers curled a little tighter around Naruto's shaft. In return, Naruto palmed the head of Sasuke's manhood, rubbing the dark purplish tip in his hand.

"Sss..." Sasuke's pleasure escaped as a sharp exhalation, and he leaned back reflexively.

The kiss broke, a single gossamer strand of saliva hanging for an instant, suspended between their mouths. Then it broke, Naruto licking his lips, Sasuke panting and grunting.

Despite Naruto's advantage in arms, Sasuke had started sooner. The blond was the first to come, twitching and shivering, a thick wad of sperm shooting out to land on the floor behind Sasuke. But Naruto had not been holding back in his own ministrations, and Sasuke came soon enough shortly after.

Naruto caught the Uchiha's seed in hand, still feeling up his rival's shapely chest and teasing stiff, sensitive nipples.

"Hm, you know... I've always sorta wondered how this stuff actually tasted," the blond remarked, bringing his hand up to eye his catch critically. "Hinata-chan insists that she loves how mine tastes, but I still feel sorta bad when she gives me head and I don't have the time to repay the favor..."

Curious, Naruto brought his hand up to his mouth and licked the mess in his palm. He frowned thoughtfully, humming.

"_Salty_," he said, grimacing the slightest bit. "But I suppose if Hinata-chan can enjoy mine that much..."

Shrugging, the blond got down on his knees, and grinned up at Sasuke.

"I won't lose to you, man. Not even at something like this!"

And saying this, he slid his lips over Sasuke's dick.

"N-Naruto...! Wha...?!" the Uchiha gasped, blushing furiously and letting out a moan. His legs turned to jelly beneath him, and his eyes rolled back in his head as Naruto did things to his cock that he had never even imagined possible.

Slurping, smacking noises wafted up to Sasuke's ears. He leaned bonelessly against the wall of his hotel room, groaning and grunting, threading his fingers mindlessly through Naruto's fluffy blond locks.

Naruto laved his tongue smugly over Sasuke's erection, tasting it and lubing it, teasing and pleasing his rival cum friend. He sucked his pal off, urging a semi-flaccid phallus back to full mast.

And he was getting pretty hard himself, just thinking about what he was doing.

Sasuke was in heaven. Even through the haze of intoxication, he knew that what was going on below his belt was hands down some of the absolute BEST head he had ever gotten. Not even _Karin_ had been so fervent in her blowjobs, and Sakura did such things only with some reluctance.

He felt himself getting harder and harder in the former dead last's mouth, pushed up to the point where he felt like he was going to blow.

Then Naruto removed his lips from Sasuke's dick, grinning cheekily up at the Uchiha.

"So, you want me to just blow you, or do you feel like _tapping_ this?" he growled huskily.

The blond turned his body slightly, sticking out a firm and shapely rear. He gave his behind a teasing wag, and Sasuke immediately forgot any frustration he may have felt at the premature cessation of the blowjob.

Dumbly, the raven haired swordsman nodded. Naruto saw this, and his grin widened.

He turned around, sticking his ass up in the air and shaking it in a way that was half suggestive and half taunting.

"C'mon, Sasuke," he teased. "Gimme your best shot!"

The Uchiha eagerly obliged.

Sharingan eyes were active, taking in every inch of Naruto's naked form. He gazed especially long at his friend's rear, feeling hard as a rock. A rinnegan bored hungrily into the Uzumaki's ass, and Sasuke noticed a curious flow of chakra seeping out through the walls of Naruto's anus.

"Wha's tha'?" he grunted, slurring pretty badly in his drunk and horny state.

"A trick I picked up from a very helpful prostitute while training with Pervy Sage," Naruto replied. "You'd be surprised what people are willing to let slip while fucking a _'dumb blonde whore'_."

Sasuke blushed hotly, imagining Naruto's sexy jutsu form getting plowed by various disreputable sorts.

"You've... done that sort of stuff on your missions?" he mumbled.

"And in my free time, once or twice," Naruto added. "Hinata's pretty fond of pegging. Helps her blow off steam, I suppose~"

The tip of Sasuke's penis rubbed against the rim of his friend's anus. He actually slipped in without too much trouble, chakra mixing with the saliva on his cock to perfectly lubricate the blond's asshole.

"Ah... that's tight..." Sasuke groaned, and it was indeed. He felt the constriction on his shaft, and wanted badly to moan out loud. So he did. "Ohhh... mmmm... ngh!"

"Ahh, Sasuke! Damn, you're definitely bigger than Hinata-chan's strap on... ohhh, yeah..." Naruto grunted, happily rocking his hips back and forth. Firm, round buttocks lewdly slapped Sasuke's pelvis. Sweat glistened on a muscular, bronzed torso.

The only thing Naruto still had on were the bandages over his right arm. And Sasuke greatly appreciated the view as he fucked the blond's ass.

He plunged in and out several times, going fast and hard, horny and eager. Naruto sounded like he was enjoying this just as much as Sasuke was, moaning obscenely and crudely egging him on.

It honestly made the Uchiha a little curious.

But it also made him come that much sooner.

"Fffuuuuck!" Sasuke hissed, gritting his teeth as his balls tightened. He felt the insides of his penis clench, and a thick wad of sperm was shot right up Naruto's ass.

He went slack, pulling out of the blond. His dick was flaccid, and he was groaning contentedly.

Naruto hummed, seeing the satisfied look on Sasuke's face.

"You like that?" he said cheerfully, winking at the Uchiha.

Drunkenly, Sasuke nodded.

Naruto laughed.

"Good!" he said. "Now get on your knees." Another wink, this time much more predatory. "It's _my_ turn."

Sasuke felt a cold shiver go down his spine at those words. Before he even knew what was happening, his eyes were glued to Naruto's pubic hair, a painfully long and thick cock ramming down his throat.

Naruto was very eager and generous in pleasing his partner, this much was true.

He was also a very _aggressive_ lover.

Much to anal-virgin Sasuke's dismay.

The fact that Konohamaru's room was right next to the Uchiha's meant the Sarutobi jounin and his quote-unquote 'date' were the first and soonest to hear him screaming bloody murder.

"Ah, sounds like someone is having an awful lot of fun," cooed the cute Kusa kunoichi whose name Konohamaru still didn't know, and would honestly probably not even bother to remember if did.

"Sasuke shoulda had Naruto-niichan teach him that lube jutsu before they started," Konohamaru concurred. "But... _eh_. Maybe he just likes it that way."

His bed-partner winked playfully at him.

"Do you think they'd mind an audience~?" she purred.

"Naruto won't," said Konohamaru, winking back and grabbing the girl's hand.

His date happened to be a very big yaoi fan, as it turned out. Which scored Konohamaru a LOT of extra points when he showed off his newest BL jutsu, once they got back to his room.

Hinata was much less appreciative.

And Sasuke, when he woke up to a sore ass and splitting headache, would quite promptly swear off of drinking for the rest of his life.

...at least until Naruto taught him that lubrication jutsu.

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><p>AN: ...this actually turned out to be much less smutty than I expected. The lemon bit was honestly pretty short in comparison to the rest of the fic.

Not the most consistent in tone, perhaps, but I suppose some people might find it amusing. And, yes, this fic is intended to tie into _Postage Due 2_. It also pokes a bit of fun at _Undesired Arousal_, the first BL fic I ever wrote. (Also, I believe, the _only_ other BL thing in my portfolio)

Sasuke _really_ shoulda copied that lube no jutsu. XP

Also, a lot of people complain that canon!Naruto is poorly suited to be hokage.

I politely disagree.

(Assuming we're talking about Naruto as he is by the end of the series – pre-timeskip and early shippuden Naruto are a whole other beast entirely.)

**Updated:** 11-25-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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